The part where Hank is in charge
“My name is Hank Fuller” I say in
front of the support group.
I
am a fake and a sinner
“Hi Hank!” the group said back
enthusiastically.
“I am a good person who just wants
to live life, forget the past and be a healthy productive member of my
community.”
I
am the fist of god
“I am also an addict. Drugs, alcohol,
whatever I can get. I had a…
Blessed
“…traumatizing childhood that I
have been running from.”
Count
your blessings
“I was in and out of foster homes
for two years before I turned 18, then I received an insurance settlement that I've been living…
Existing
…on ever since.”
I deserve to die for my sins
“I receive this money in yearly payments and I have spent this year’s on drugs and drink and now it’s
gone. I’m dry and hurting, I don’t want to do anything I’ll regret…”
To
late
"…any more then I already do. I try
to find work, but when I get the money I…I can’t help but…
Forget
“…spend all of it on my vices. I
came here hoping that maybe I can end the cycle I’m stuck in and start putting
the past behind me. Thank you.” I sit down while everybody claps.
The group leader (or therapist or whatever) gets up. “Thanks for sharing Hank, and welcome. You’ll find that everybody here
is trying to run from something. When I drank I did so because my mother was a
drunk and would yell at me all the time and tell me how worthless I was…”
Did
you kill anybody?
“…that’s
behind me now. I know now how valuable I am, how valuable we all are. Thank you for being strong enough to take
the first step.”
I look
around the room at all of the smiling faces. I feel like I made the right choice.
I had to do something…It…
The oracle
…said that
I must do…something other than…
Die
I hate the oracle,
I don’t know why I do that every day.
Yes I do
Although
it’s a fitting end to the nightmares. Like a period at the end of a sentence.
The tears start again…no
crying…just tears… they start and I barely notice them. Somebody gave me a
napkin and told me that everything will be ok.
They touched
my knee… I nearly rip off their arms.
I wipe the
tears, and look around at the group.
Remember
your training
And I
remember my…training… My mind wanders into the past and I remember…
“Are you
listening son?”
“What?”
“Are you
surprised I called you son? I know you still think of those other people as your parents but God says we must put earthly distractions behind us. You are a
son of Enoch now, aren't you?”
“I…I
guess.”
“You either
know or you don’t!” The hand of god says.
David
David moves
directly in front of me and pokes his fat meaty finger into the naked flesh of
my chest…
Training
was always naked
… over my heart, it hurts. He looks
me in the eyes, his are intense. I’m afraid and I look away. He flicks me hard
in the face.
“You look
at me when I’m talking to you!”
I look
back, and he flicks me hard again in the eye.
“You did
that” he said “It wouldn’t have happened if you didn’t turn away. Never stop
looking at me when I’m talking, do you understand?’
“Yes sir” I
say wincingly
He stares
deeply into my eyes, like he is looking for something then speaks “People are
made up of two kinds, sheep and shepherds” he says “The sheep are all going to
die unless they listen to reason and truth as spoken by a shepherd, do you
understand?”
I nod, then
said ”Yes” fearing another flick.
“When we
look at people we can tell who is who by the way they walk and talk, through
their body language. Do you understand?”
“Yes” I
said not really understanding
I am a liar
“Good!” he
said never looking away from me “How far are you willing to go?” he asked.
“What?” I said
not quite understanding.
Stupid
He grabbed
me up easily in his muscular hands and throws me against the wall, holding me
to it. “ARE YOU WILLING!” he started projecting, not yelling per say but
talking loudly. “ARE YOU WILLING TO DO WHAT EVER IT TAKES TO BE A FIST OF GOD?”
“Yes! Yes!”
I cry, he slams me into the wall again.
“STOP
CRYING! YOU WILL NEVER CRY AGAIN! DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO CRYERS?”
I can’t
stop crying.
I CAN’T STOP CRYING!
David,
still holding me, leaves the room and enters another one where my sister is.
Grabs her, screaming, and throws her into the bath tub, turning it on. Then he
throws me on top of her pinning her down.
The water
is rising
“If
you don’t stop crying, you will kill your sister.” His whispers.
I
can’t stop crying
The water is rising
“Are you willing to give up your
weakness to safe your sister?”
I
hate myself
I
hate David
The water is rising
I
try…I beg…please stop! I’ll do anything please let me go1”
My sister in drowning
“It’s your fault if she dies” David
tells me “your weakness killed her”
Something turns off inside my brain
I’m
weak, I’m nothing, be nothing…
The group start murmuring the murmur
of a finished meeting. My tears have stopped, I didn’t cry though.
I
killed her
I take a deep breath she didn’t
die. David took mercy on her and saved her from my weakness.
She
still died
Later
I get up and quietly leave. I know I’ve
made the right choice by coming. I have to fight the memories. I have to be
better, but I don’t know if I can…
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