I Am Shadows: pt7

The part where I’m tired.

I’m so tired.

Beaten

I’m tired of living

Existing

I’m tired of hope

Despair

I’m tired of running.

My head hurts all of the time, and my damn eyes won’t stop leaking. I fight with myself in Hank. Like a movie, in the mirror, we scream at each other. He pleads to be set free to create a life. I need forgetfulness. Sometimes Hank can’t remember he is really me, and that I’m in charge.

What are you willing to do?

I hate living in that insurance paid apartment, like some trust fund baby. I found peace…

Oblivion

…amongst the trash of the city streets. Hank screams back “If I am you then why are you tired of the cold, why are you tired of starving!” I remind him of the dreams…

Memories

I remind him that remembering the past means reliving it. I remind him of what we deserve. He cries about therapy and hope. I remind him about the oracle, she is my therapy. He screams “If you care so much about dying then put some real fire in that monster then ask it your damn question! Huh? Why don’t you do that!?”

The bullet is the oracle, and when she finally speaks, my troubles will be over.

I remind hank of my new problem…

Are you willing to do whatever’s necessary?

I’m blacking out now.

It happens when I’m dry. My head hurts after wards and I’m so tired. I’m afraid to sleep because of the dreams. I’m afraid to go outside because of the black outs. I never really know when or where I wake up. Sometimes I’m in my own bed. Most times I’m somewhere I’ve never been.

I hate being tired

I hate being awake

I hate blacking out

Hank suggests therapy again. My answer was to put the gun in my mouth, ask the oracle, and hope she speaks.

I am…disappointed.



I Am Shadows: pt8