The part where I want
to disappear
You can sleep anywhere when you
can’t feel.
The wind howls all throughout the
concrete stairwell. It’s like a freezing wind tunnel. I doze inside, both hands in my pocket. One hand is fingering the gun I found, the other hand gripping
the ketamine I scored.
I’m so
tired
I can hear the screaming, it's not real,
but making its way threw the clutter within my own mind.
I’m so
tired
I finger
the gun and think about how easy it would be to take one of those pills, never
to…anything… again.
I pull out
the small bag of drugs, I know these will end the torment too. But I always
wake up.
The tears
fall.
I never cry, or sob. I never make a
sound, just tears. They fall in huge drops upon the ground I watch them
sometimes. Each drop adds to the next making a small puddle. Sometimes I
imagine it’s my blood.
I lay the drugs
aside and take out the gun. I look it over and check the clip and chamber. The
first is empty, the second has one round. My
lucky day. I put my lips around the dirty tasting barrel, remove the safety
and pull the trigger.
“Click!”
Damn
“Click!
Click! Click!”
I empty the
chamber and look at the bullet. There's an indent where the hammer hit. It’s a
dud. I swear again, put the gun back in my pocket and grab the drugs. Its time
to forget.
Like the gun…
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